It's A New Year, It's A New Day

Yes, it's a new year and a new day and I'm not going to

raise hell. I never do . Hmmm. Maybe I'll start a little something.

I know, I know. That just isn't my bag. I don't start trouble. I'm off

the radar of fun. I am in need of a doppleganger of who I can lay

all my bad on. Wouldn't that be cool? There is a bad girl in me who 

wants to get out and play. The good girl wants to play too. My sense 

of girl do goody is wound so tight I may as well be crapping jelly 

beans and gum drops. Yeah, right I'm just not that sweet. No one is.

I have a trash bin of dirty thoughts that needs deleted on a daily basis.

If I didn't live such an introverted existance, God knows what kind

of life I would be living at this moment. Surely one that was more ex-

citing than the one I'm living now because few things would hold me

back from living life the way it was meant to be lived. I have missed

a lot. A LOT! 

1184: Beautiful Old Age | D.H. Lawrence

1184: Beautiful Old Age D.H. Lawrence: "'Beautiful Old Age'
D.H. Lawrence

It ought to be lovely to be old
to be full of the peace that comes of experience
and wrinkled ripe fulfillment.

The wrinkled smile of completeness that follows a life
lived undaunted and unsoured with accepted lies
they would ripen like apples, and be scented like pippins
in their old age.

Soothing, old people should be, like apples
when one is tired of love.
Fragrant like yellowing leaves, and dim with the soft
stillness and satisfaction of autumn.

And a girl should say:
It must be wonderful to live and grow old.
Look at my mother, how rich and still she is! -

And a young man should think: By Jove
my father has faced all weathers, but it’s been a life!"

                                                                                            

I'll be forty-seven on my next birthday and I can honestly say that I am not looking forward to being that much closer to fifty. I  am drawing nearer to that half century mark (sounds much worse when I say it this way) and I wish I had a do over. When I was a child I believed that by the age of forty I would be dead. Really, that's how I felt and when I actually pasted that mark of age I was surprised that life was still granted to me. I have come to realize that envisioning my death throughout my life has totally limited any aspirations I may have had for myself. I have nothing to show at life's departure that Yvonne was here. Others may beg to differ but I feel that I have walked this earth without leaving any footprints. I have not earned the gray hair on my head. It sprung up like measles when I was still a child and a lifetime of responsibilities were far from being envisioned. I have garnered no peace with growing old and I don't have a fallback plan. An expiration date still haunts me even now when I realize that I must form a plan of reinvention. The world's  circumstances dictate this coming change. I can no longer rely on past experiences to mark my spot in a place that doesn't recognize the non-descripted aged.

                               

  

What's On My Mind/ I Forget

     Should you be firing on all cylinders when you reach a certain age? Let's say forty-something, for example. I'm not as quick in completing a thought as I use to be. I will be concentrating on one thing when my mind links to something else and the train goes off the rail on the previous synaptic connection. Don't get me wrong. I'm not senile. I think my brain takes a short leave of absence due to boredom. I eventually get back on track but who wants to continue on this train?

     And so the saga continues. Nothing much has changed over the past months except for my living status. I now rely on the kindness of others to keep a roof over my head. Yes, Yvonne has become a homeless waif. I cry for me. Even with all the past layoffs I never thought this economy would cast me on such a low rung in this life at my age. I always thought there would be a job waiting for me no matter how small the pay or the minimal hours. How wrong was I? Talk about feeling unwanted. I hear it's all about re-inventing yourself and giving new employers what they are asking for rather you feel suited to the task or not. Huh...reinventing myself is a viable option. I'm still a living, breathing, functioning, individual who can still get the job done. Whatever that job turns out to be. 
                                                                                                                                                              With nothing to do at this moment in my life but fill out applications and pray for the best outcome, I look in the mirror and see the old woman who constantly stares back and shakes her head in contemplative resignation. It's the graying hair that muddies the time line. I'm not really old, inside or out. Premature gray hair is a family trait. One I can do without and gladly so. Middle age. Middle of what? One and a hundred? No wander employers are ready to cast you aside for the 'quarter age'. We set the standard retirement age. I don't even know what that is. However, If you're the best at what you do then you're probably safe no matter how old you are. Am I still on track here or did my thoughts shift again?
                                                                November 29, 2011